messages

I found your hidden message today..
23 days after you sent it
23 days after you said you missed me and that you were sorry
I don't know how to feel now

dreams

I dreamt about you last night..
I hadn't done it in a while.
In the dream you apologized to me.. I wish you could do that in real life..
I no longer crave your touch, nor your voice, nor your kiss.. I only crave what you promised me..
I want my best friend back and nothing more.

please

I'm afraid of dying
But I also never put on the seatbelt when my mom is driving.

I always feel like crying
But I call my red eyes "being tired" - which is not a lie, since insomnia is slowly killing me.

I try to move on and live my life
But everything reminds me of you - every street, every store, even the seats in the streets.

How did you move on so fast?
How can you enjoy being out with your friends and smile?
Why can't I?
Why does it seem like everyone is slowly leaving me..?
Why did the only person I needed on my side disappear ..?

I need you...
Please come back.. I promise I won't be as annoying, I promise I won't be so depressed, I promise I won't let my anxiety take over me.. but please
come back.

Numb

I really don't know how to start this..
How do you write away your feelings when you don't even know exactly how you feel?
I'm a bundle of emotions and a complete void of them.
How do people cope with heartbreak? With feeling like something is constantly missing?
How do you cope with grey and numb?
How?
but the hardest questions to answer are the ones that linger throughout the day.. and those aren't the 'how' questions.. they are the 'why' questions.
Why did it have to end like this?
Why did it have to happen to me?
Why did you have to leave me?
Why does it feel like I'm always struggling to breathe, eat, sleep, live?
and why was it so easy for you to leave?
Why did you move on so fast?
Why does your life get to be a beautiful palette of colors and mine is completely grey?
Why does it feel like this is all a dream?
.
.
.
Why do the people around me ignore the fact that I'm hurting?
why is everyone distancing themselves from me?
What is wrong with me?

Get me out of this nigthmare
I'm numb.

inverno.

Estou apaixonada.
Não, sou apaixonada. Sou apaixonada pelo Inverno. Sou apaixonada por dias de chuva e nevoeiro. Sou apaixonada pelas suas árvores nuas refletidas nas poças de agua na rua.. Sou apaixonada pelo negro dos dias e das noites. Sou apaixonada por estes dias soturnos, pois é nestes dias que deixo de me sentir sozinha, abandonada. Sinto-me completa e compreendida. Sinto que o meu interior é refletido para o mundo. E é nestes dias que, ao contrário de todas as outras pessoas, eu não consigo evitar sorrir. É nestes dias que eu sou realmente feliz.

scar(let)

Here I am, in my room after another stressful day at school, after another day of feeling worthless and judged by everyone. Maybe it's all in my head.. “Well what if it isn't all in my head? What if everyone truly judges me and hates me? What if I'm not worth the life I'm living?” I try to keep these thoughts away from my head but I can't, I simply can't... They're too strong to be ignored. I rush my hand to the drawer where I keep my personal things, desperately looking for relief. I pick the raisor and without a second thought I press it in my skin and slowly and painfully slide it. In those two seconds of emptiness my head is full of remorseful thoughts ..”I shouldn't have done it”, “I'm such a freak”,”What's wrong with me?”  My anxiety is pomping and my wrist is stinging. And then, a small scarlet line appears and all my worries and anxieties disappear. I'm relaxed. “I'm fine” I say.. but I know I'm not fine.

fuck, I'm in love.

He’s perfect. His eyes are of a mild warm brown. His hair reminds me of the waves in the ocean. His long arms protect me like I’m the most valuable thing in the whole world, and his smile alone can make me go to the moon and come back, touch the bottom of the deepest ocean, His awkwardness reminds me that I’m not alone in this crazy messed up world and his laugh can make the worst of the days light up. And when he’s close to me and I feel his breath my heart races, and the butterflies I feel when I’m around him turn into wasps. And that’s when I realize that I need to go away. Because I fell in love with him and I can’t. Why? Because he’s perfect.